Read our Editorial Policy or make a comment.

HOWEVER, if tears result, chances are the instigator (twinstigator?) needs to realize that harmful behavior will not be tolerated.

In your shoes (and when ours were one), here’s what we’d do: We’d get right into the aggressor’s face, and with a stern voice say (often with a pointed finger), “NO! We do not ___________________. (hit, bite, poke, grab, hurt…insert applicable word here.) “ I’d usually separate them a few feet, and play would resume. If it happened again, I’d repeat.

If the baby cried, I wouldn’t go for the huggy consolation typical of a comfort-needing cry. I would say, “Honey, I love you, and that’s I want you to learn the right thing to do. We don’t _________________ (hit/grab/whatever).”**
My husband felt I was (and still am) too lengthy in my disciplinary explanations, but truly, it helps ME to reiterate it as well. It is HARD to intentionally make your children unhappy. Unfortunately, it must be done if discipline is to be even moderately effective. The words help me know I am doing something in their best interest and why. After the correction, I’d intentionally play with/comfort the “wounded” twin a bit extra.
(**I STILL will say that sentence if strong verbal correction results in crying---although it’s accompanied with a time-out.)

More often than not, our daughter would LAUGH when I said “No!”. You read that right, LAUGH. Imagine my surprise….I thought I was being super harsh in tone, and was SHOCKED at her response. Of course, for a wee one, from whom so much stimuli is “new”, maybe that was just a “new” thing for her. I did not laugh back…just stayed the course with correction. However it was received.

Ultimately, at age one, I wouldn’t be too concerned about how your correction is “received” or what they “understand” discipline-wise, and what they don’t. Your goal is to be consistent in your response so that they learn with repetition what receives a “happy” reaction from Mommy and Daddy, and what behaviors bring the fun to a screeching halt. When you implement isolated time-outs (a PackNPlay with all the toys/book/stimuli removed works well for the very young) is up to you…we were doing them not long after their first birthday.

Like you, I was a spanked child. While I don’t know that it “helped” me, I certainly don’t think it harmed me. When we were expecting Darren and Sarah, I fully anticipated being a gentle, yet physical, disciplinarian. Then, after they were born, I could have written your words:
“Now I wonder if I spank them, won't they think hitting is ok?”

Bingo. That was my similar revelation. I just could not wrap my head around the suddenly very illogical seeming discipline.

Here’s a quick excerpt from “Twinspiration” about that very realization…it seems applicable here:

Discipline.
Obviously, you won’t be “correcting” your freshly-born infants, but time does fly when you are having fun. Exhausted or not, you will be having fun. Before you know it, you will be seeing behavior you want to discourage. Make sure you and your partner are of the same mind as to what the “no-nos” will be in your household. Make sure you both agree on how correction is to be handled. Will you verbally chasten? Will you ignore negative behavior? Will you distract the wrongdoer? Will you have physical contact?

Consistency is absolutely the key here. Each twin, in addition to receiving their own correction, will usually be witness to their partner’s reprimands. In a good and just world, that means they will learn twice as fast from twice the reinforcing observation. After all, babies (and adults) learn via repetition. Your children will repeat the same behaviors over and over to confirm what is acceptable and what is not in your eyes. They may “flip-flop” initiators just to make sure the result is always predictable. If you “allow” a previously “disallowed” behavior even once, they will be incredibly confused. Your previous disciplinary efforts on that issue are now rendered null and void. Don’t let your own tiredness “ease” the predetermined consequence.

Keeping your eye on the goal helps. Obviously, we all want happy, well-adjusted, socially responsible children. How we handle the discipline issue directly impacts all three of those key variables. With twins, your efforts toward appropriate behavior will be twice as effective if handled with unfailing regularity. Whether it is a good behavior receiving a compliment, or a less-pleasant gesture receiving a correction, two children will learn from a single act and result. Of course, the corollary is also true. If you are haphazard and inconsistent in your responses, expect chaos. It’s what you will get.

Do not “wait until the discipline situation arises”. Please develop your plans for loving correction early, carefully, and together.

Our take (to take or leave): While pregnant, archaic as it may seem to many of you, my husband and I both predicted we’d incorporate gentle, yet corporal, correction in our discipline repertoire. Both spanked rarely, and only for major infractions as children, we felt that with careful accompanying explanation, the “old ways” are often the best ways. Flash forward to the first “punishable” offenses by our twins: surprisingly, even the gentle “attention getting” hand-smack felt grossly wrong. After trying it twice, I stopped. When Scott “tried” it early on, and told me the details later, his recounting of the episode sounded sheepish and confessional. Now from what I hear, when our kids are teenagers, we may out of sheer desperation re-evaluate our dismissal of the method, but for now, no hitting. It’s not right for them to do, and it doesn’t feel right for us either.

That’s not to say I don’t use bodily contact frequently throughout the day. Certainly, when one is heading lickety-split toward a potentially dangerous situation, I will quickly grab them to halt advancement. If they are lashing out at each other or me, I will grab the angry hands firmly. Daily, I have rapid, reflexive physical contact with our twins, but sheerly in a preventative way.

So what do we do to indicate our displeasure with inappropriate behavior? Exactly what I thought I’d never do, the infamous “time-out”. Before the twins’ arrival, I thought “time-outs” seemed like the most ridiculous, non-consequence possible…especially the “hug hold” variation. Heck, I’d try to get punished if I knew I’d get hugged.

However, when you are little, and having a great time that sadly segues into misbehavior, removal from the fun is horrific…at least if the screaming we hear in response is an accurate barometer. The trick is to enact the time-out correctly. In our house, time outs occur in the crib, upstairs, with all stimuli removed, including Mommy. (I have heard arguments against crib time-outs, not wanting to associate “unpleasantness” with their sleeping environment. To me, when all the blankets, cozies, and fun items are removed from the crib, it’s not even the same inviting place. Neither of our twins has ever shown reticence toward their crib as a result of it being the time-out locale.)

Invariably, we are all playing happily, downstairs, when infractions occur. Lazily, I’ve been very tempted to “not see” the violating act. Take my word. Dodge a punishment that should be administered, and you’ll just have to play catch-up later.

Do communicate regularly with your partner so they are alerted to any newly discovered “no-nos”. No matter how thoroughly you feel you have discussed this issue with your partner, be ready for the unexpected. For instance, in our house, we never discussed the trashcans as off-limits prior to their births. Who knew they were a source of endless fascination? When Scott arrived home, he was greeted with the story of the day’s events, including how we learned that trashcans are a “no-no”. Upon my return from an outing, I learned of all sorts of fun play, and how everyone learned that remote controls are a “no-no” that afternoon.

Again, befriend flexibility. Be prepared to assess and re-assess with your fellow warden the efficacy of your disciplinary methods, but don’t lose consistency in your response to infractions. Remember, just because the behavior doesn’t stop, doesn’t mean the twins aren’t learning the boundaries you’ve set.

C, does any of that help? As far as your question, “If I try this approach what age do I start?” I just don’t know. It seems too confusing a contradiction to start young, e.g. to say the words but then do yourself. If you wait ‘til they are “old enough to understand”, then there’s the possibility they will be conflicted by the same “Okay to hit in certain instances” idea that you and I are having a tough time rationalizing in our adult minds!