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One Invitation, Two Twins


May, 2007

By Cheryl Lage

QUESTION:

Ok, my daughter (a twin, age 5) has been invited to another birthday party without her brother/twin. Before it was a girly party---they did their hair and nails, etc.---- it wasn't a big deal deal to our son. This party however, is a Build-a-bear party. Now mind you, it's a girl in their preschool class that they are BOTH friends with. She just wants the girls to be there obviously, which of course I understand.

But poor boy! His sister will come home with a bear (or whatever animal they get) and - not on purpose - will rub it in his face. "Look at this cool bear I got!" You know what I mean?

I'm torn between letting her go and dealing with her brother when that time comes. My husband said he would spoil him/treat him to a special day, but I don't know if it will matter since it's "not the same". Should I not let her go at all? Of course I know that's not fair to her either. Is it fair for me to just buy him and make him a bear to bring home? Is that "the same?" Or am I just teaching him that they are the same and they get everything alike?? Which they shouldn't! Ugh. Sometimes I think too much and I'm just not sure what to do. I let the whole "twin" thing overwhelm me. Any thoughts, advice, opinions?

RESPONSE*:
[*please note the intentional revision from "ANSWER" to "RESPONSE". Not so sure I---nor anyone---should EVER claim to have an/the "answer", merely ideas/leaping points/suggestions...]

Awwww...I am so sorry you are having to deal with this challenge. In my view your dilemma is absolutely one of the hardest aspects of twin parenting! (right up there with the first newborn days and potty training x 2!)

We've had the SAME thing happen, and have let the invited go. The other has some "special" time with the non-party attending parent (as your husband---God love him---has offered to do.) The difficult part has been not dwelling/focusing entirely on the "left-out" kid---which is reflexive with us sensitive mommies---and actually try to allow and encourage the invited twin to be excited about a forthcoming event; which ultimately, they have every right to be!

Just as a caveat (as if there weren't enough things to be concerned about...)

we're now trying to not make either the party OR the special time with the parent seem "boy" or "girl"-centric, since I know we can anticipate in the future "boy" parties to which our daughter will be invited and not her brother....and/or vice versa.

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We are at a stage now in our family (5.5 years old, so get ready!) where in day-to-day situations we are trying to get them used to the fact (of life!) that just because ONE child gets something does NOT automatically mean the other does/will/or should. We set a precedent too early (as in from day one) in trying to keep things "fair"---that when one child gets/got an item, the other almost always did.

We created a bit of a monster in that if one needs underwear, the other (not in need) expects (well, now expected, I hope!) some too. Shoes? Same. Lollipop from the pediatrician when the other had the throat culture to endure? You get the picture! (Although I must say if the afflicted says they want to bring one home to their sibling---if they weren't already along for the often-necessary ride---that "fairness" I encourage.)

The "That's not fair" response became an easy button to push, them FULLY knowing how I responded (usually in their favor...).

I've digressed! Guess what I mean to say is, ultimately in your shoes I'd let your daughter go and have a great time. Treat your son to some special time, but don't feel as though you need to go overboard, or "equal" what your daughter gets to do. He will have his own special occasions that she will not....it's life, and they're embarking now---at such a tender age----on some of life's tougher aspects.

It's SOOO hard for us to prepare and equip our kids (because I have to hide my own tears half the time) to deal with, and try to be happy for, their sibling's opportunity...and to be patient for the time in which they'll have their own. Ugh. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Squeeze 'em both for me. Consider yourself hugged!

Best and blessings-
Cheryl
www.Twinsights.com

Feel free to contact me with your experiences in twin potty-training, or with any twin parenting dilemnas you may have at http://www.twinsights.com. I hope to hear from you!

© Cheryl Lage, 2004-present
Author of "Twinspiration: Real-Life Advice From Pregnancy Through the First Year" from Taylor Trade Publishing (2006), Cheryl is a fully-mobile, full-time mom to four-year-old fraternal twins, Darren and Sarah. Cheryl's unabashed honesty, vigilantly supportive style, and willingness to share "what works" have made her a requested speaker on a broad range of topics, twin-related, and otherwise. Check out her website @ twinsights.com.

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