Work at Home Success By Jill Hart
Mom Laughs By Cheryl Moeller
Simplifying Motherhood By Trish Berg
Ask A Twin Mommy By Cheryl Lage
Mothering By Heart By Cheri Fuller
Jelly Mom By Lisa Barker
Family Check-up By Sheila Wray Gregoire
Parent to Parent By Jodie Lynn
Moments for Mom By Elisabeth Corcoran
Making the Most of Marriage By Paula Friedrichsen
Have I Desecrated the "Twin Bond"?
October, 2005
By Cheryl Lage
QUESTION:
This question has been troubling me since a co-worker made a comment. I am a first time mother of 3 month old twins. The first 3 weeks my boys were home, my husband and I handled it. Once he went back to work (he works long hours 12-14 hours a day) I realized it was more then I could handle. So I then went to my mother's. Soon after my husband joined me. When the boys were about 2 1/2 months, I went back home with one baby. My mother lives 10 mins from me and she would keep one baby at night and I would keep the other. Then the next day I would spend all day at my mom's and then at night I would switch babies and bring the other home. Well we have been doing that until now. I'm trying to get them both home with me but it's extremely hard. My question is am I doing any long term damage to their bonding or have I already done it? They are still too little to play with each other. They seem to notice each other when we try and get them to look at one another but then they get bored and look away. I'm really scared that they won't be as close as they get older. A couple days a week we keep both home with us and we keep one in their room and the other in our room because they do seem to wake the other up when they cry. Is this okay? Please let me know if I am screwing up my kids? I'm desperate. Any thoughts or ideas of what to do would be extremely appreciated.
-Twin Momma C
ANSWER:
Hi C-
Before I say anything else, let me start with a reassuring NOOOO!!! You are most definitely NOT screwing up your kids! You are NOT desecrating their sacred (and oft-mythologized) "twin bond"! You are not creating sleep issues or causing any other future "problem" because of their "separation"!
Let me guess: Your co-worker is not a twin parent. My guess is that he/she is not a parent at all. Not to come down too hard on your co-worker, he/she may be very well-intended, and very excited for you as a twin parent. Especially when he/she explores their own memory banks and retrieves all the fascinating information they have heard through the years about the amazing twin mystique..how they are telepathic, feel each other's pain, and finish each other's sentences. Undoubtedly he/she is keenly aware of what an incredible blessing it is to be bestowed with "wonder twins"! Surely the words of warning dispensed your way regarding the sanctity of the "twin bond" were meant in concerned kindness. But in reality Connie, your babies are only three months old. Here is a reassuring fact: From birth, (actually for many months afterward, up to a year and beyond) every baby, singly or multiply-born, is entirely self-revolving. It is mere human nature, biology and development. Even when our twosome was sitting on their own and crawling, their twin was nothing more than an "obstruction", or occasional "plaything"...NOT playmate! I felt they were more speed-bumps to each other than siblings!!
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Like you, I was crestfallen when my twosome didn't even notice each other. In the first days with Darren and Sarah, I halfway expected to walk into their nursery to discover them holding hands or sleeping spooned in their crib. Real life with newborn twins?
Far from it. On the rare occasion they did make eye contact, it was not at all the highly-publicized (and I daresay usually exaggerated) visibly psychic twin union. They woke each other often, and on occasion, still do today. Although now at 3 ½, I can finally say the "twin bond" is very evident. [Although I would be curious to see if two non-twin siblings (or even unrelated children) of exact same age spending their early lives together close to 100% of the time wouldn't demonstrate what we so lovingly declare is a "twin bond".] But as a twin-Mama, I'll officially claim it as my long-awaited "bond". Please be patient, your twins will demonstrate one, too..it will just take time. (For us, I it took about two years to see anything that could be remotely described as "bonded!)
Rather than berating yourself and second-guessing yourself maternally, in truth, I think you should feel incredibly proud of the job you have done thus far! You have skillfully used family member support available to you to your full-family's advantage! You are likely far more rested (and subsequently better equipped to handle the rigors of baby-management) than if you had been single-handedly martyring yourself mercilessly when your husband and grandma were standing at the ready to assist with the twins that they love, too! I think you have shown clear presence of mind and flexibility.two traits that will continue to serve you well in the weeks, months and years ahead.
Don't worry too much about your twins "waking each other up" if and when you decide to place them in the same room. You will be amazed at what they learn to "sleep through". We actually found that it was far easier as the twins got older to keep them in the same room, for the whole family's sake. Unless your house is really large, a crying baby will wake a baby even OUT of the room. Better to let the awakened twin see that their upset sibling is being tended to, and is calming down by watching the process--- rather than have the second twin erupt in cries because something is going on in the other room, and Mommy is in there, too. If both twins are in the same room, one parent can go in and reassure one (or both) when necessary.rather than having to run from room to room, or get another parent up and involved in the consolation squad. Granted, many parents have found separate rooms work better for their family. For us, I am glad we gave the single room theory a go. Our two still sleep in the same room and as I mentioned before are 3 ½.
C, I truly do think you are doing a GREAT job.and even though I think your co-workers words were off-base, I give you credit for being open to varied ideas and demonstrating concern. In this instance, I say rest your head easy. You, and undoubtedly your twins, are doing FANTASTIC!
Please keep me updated with how things are going, or if I totally missed your query.
Congrats on your twins, and on handling challenges thus far with great aplomb.
All the best-
Cheryl
www.Twinsights.com
Feel free to contact me with your experiences in twin potty-training, or with any twin parenting dilemnas you may have at http://www.twinsights.com. I hope to hear from you!
© Cheryl Lage, 2004-
Author of "Twinspiration: Real-Life Advice From Pregnancy Through the First Year" from Taylor Trade Publishing (2006), Cheryl is a fully-mobile, full-time mom to four-year-old fraternal twins, Darren and Sarah. Cheryl's unabashed honesty, vigilantly supportive style, and willingness to share "what works" have made her a requested speaker on a broad range of topics, twin-related, and otherwise. Check out her website @ twinsights.com.