Read our Editorial Policy or make a comment.

If you have genuine concerns about them “hearing” what you say (and I am guessing you are right, there is tremendous selectivity involved), rather than asking them to do what you need from another room (as I am often guilty of doing); slow down a moment. Take a deep breath, and go right beside them, make sure you are making eye contact (gently holding their chin in your hands if necessary) and tell them calmly to do what you require. Note I did not say “Ask” them to do what you require. (I am really working on that myself.) If you ask “Will you please clean up the living room?” the implication is, they have a choice. They do not. They need to be told, politely, what they are expected to do. Re-phrase to “It’s time to clean up the living room, please.”

Of course the temptation when we are exasperated is to offer rewards for doing what is not a “favor” but a requirement…just to “get it done.” Try to avoid excessive reward giving. At 5 ½, they are capable of realizing they are family members and have a role in household management and happiness.

In your shoes, perhaps even as part of your educational day, I’d bring up a mini-course on family roles. For instance, Mommy and Daddy are in charge of providing a loving, nurturing environment for you all to grow up in. You all, as the children, as you have gotten older have learned a great deal, and now, your responsibilities have also grown.

Make it clear that when they don’t listen, when they refuse to do what you’ve asked, when they don’t help, in essence, that takes time away from your other responsibilities because you are so busy correcting and policing them. Let them know you KNOW they are capable of behaving and fulfilling their special roles in the family. If by their behavior they continue to prove they are NOT willing to contribute their part, then subsequently, your time for enabling “fun” for them is curtailed. You’ve had to spend so much time in “correction”, you unfortunately now need the time to do laundry, get dinner ready, read your Mommy books, WHATEVER…instead of taking them to the park, the playground, soccer, etc. You can let them know they need to “earn” many of the fun aspects of their days by exhibiting the behavior you know they are capable of. I’ve told our twosome frequently it is Mommy and Daddy’s job to help them to grow up to be good people, knowing right from wrong.

While like you, I don’t “like” having to put them in time-out repeatedly--“repeating myself and going over and over things with them”, it’s my responsibility to keep doing so until they behave accordingly. (And as you insightfully noted, when away from home your duo “gets it”, there is your proof positive that there IS selectivity at play. A desire to determine just what Mommy is serious about, and what she’ll let “slide” when she is over-pushed. Twins can “over-push” with dual intensity; that is for sure!

You seem to have run the gamut with consequences for their actions (or inactions) that don’t meet your parental expectations.

I would think about what it is that your twins REALLY enjoy…it doesn’t need to be the same for each child. Your consequence needs to be VERY well-thought-out…and high-impact. And it needs to be something correct for YOUR specific family. (My mother thinks if I would only spank our twosome, we’d have all these “challenges” come to a screeching halt. I KNOW they would not.) Pick a consequence (whether it is no video/TV privileges, no playgroup, no outdoor time, no My Little Ponies, WHATEVER…make it a LENGTHY repercussion) and stay consistent/relentless with its application.

Important to note: JUST BECAUSE THE BEHAVIORS DO NOT STOP DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE NOT LEARNING YOUR EXPECTATIONS!!!

Many doctors will confirm it takes up to two weeks of 100% consistency before a final acknowledgment of cause=effect is totally assimilated into a preschooler’s mind. Two weeks of exhaustion and patience wearing thin on the part of us as parents, but they WILL get it with consistency. While I fully understand the attempts to “try” differing punishments, basically, the twins do not know without fail what the exact consequences of their poor behavior are. Phrase it as it makes sense to you. I would sit them down and let them know from “X” moment forward, defiance/deliberate disobedience/disrespect will not be tolerated. You know they are good kids, and you expect them to behave accordingly. Their big kid ‘fun’ will be earned by behaving like big kids. If they behave as two-year olds, that is how they will be treated. (We threatened, and were ready to act upon, a return to high chairs if they continued to try and get up from the table. They now stay in their seats. Same applies for re-assembling cribs if they cannot be “big kids” with big kid beds.) Be careful. Do not threaten a consequence you aren’t ready to act upon. And unfortunately, do be prepared for a few days of boundary pushing when you have made it clear what you expect and what the punishments will be. They’ll “check” to see if you’re serious. And BOTH twins will make sure all are treated equally. Stay strong, and hopefully results will follow quickly.

To these questions? “Is it a twin thing, or an age thing or maybe a combination? Is there any solution to getting through to them?” In truth, the defiance/desire to have your own way is characteristic of ANY child, singleton, twin or septuplet. Yes, certain ages seem to carry with them a demonstrated desire for “independence” and self-management.

Regardless of the “whys”, our parental response needs to be the same. A 100% consistent acknowledgement on every infraction that certain behaviors are not acceptable. Stick with whatever consequence you decide upon, even if you feel it “isn’t getting through to them”. Remember we all learn through repetition. The more strategically and individually-appropriate you make the consequence, it will ideally take less repetition for your twins to “get it” at home---as well as away from home.

[In our home right now, after a semi-successful window of using video privilege loss as a deterrent, now, we’re back to removal from fun (and all toys/books/fun/sibling) by sitting on the bottom step for time-out…for AT LEAST 5 minutes. We set a timer. If it is a particularly heinous act, like a physical response or open defiance to Mom, it’s in their room alone, door shut, for 20 minutes or so. We are having success with that ramification…to the point our daughter has actually gone up to her room on her own, knowing that is where she needs to “get her act together”]

Wishing you a quick set of learners, strength for vigilant application of consequence, and good discernment in deciding what “punishment” will have the greatest efficacy in your home.