Double The Disturbing Speech?

We did our best to describe to him that when there is blood, usually someone is hurt and sad. He said "I know, I like it sometimes." ???!!??

Cheryl, I honestly do not know what to make of this - any thoughts?

Thanks again for "listening" to me, and I appreciate any ideas you might have.

Sincerely,

-Twin Mom M

RESPONSE:
Great to hear from you and with such wonderful honesty, M. My guess is there are many families who have experienced something "similar," yet haven't spoken about it, so I salute you! Now to your question:

As always, bring your pediatrician into the loop with this and ALL concerns, physical and developmental...he/she should always be made aware of your concerns, and of aspects that make each of your children who they are.

While blood and pain as a topic for a 4-year-old seems disturbing to you (and us too, we've had similar "fascinations") as parents the talk from a four-year-old evokes great curiosity as to "where" the concept came from, the fact is J at this point is "aware" of blood---as he will be many, many topics that we as families and care centers don't introduce.

The kids' sponge-like absorption of their surroundings continues WELL beyond those infancy years! Ideas come from friends, personal experience and various environmental stimuli...in our family's case in particular, toy packaging seen when were seeking a gift for a cousin had an impact we heard about WEEKS later!

While ideally our children would remain innocent and unsullied by less-pleasant aspects of life, it's unavoidable. Yes, you can minimize exposure to inappropriate TV and other unpleasant imagery, we cannot ever insulate them fully. (Although I tell you what, on more than one occasion I've wished I could have!)

Let me relay a couple of personal experiences that hopefully will provide some reassurance that J's fixation (and again, you and your doc know him best, so do touch bases there) with blood at age 4-5 may not be all that "unusual"...and in actuality may be closer to "normal" than commonly addressed.

Parents are ever-so-quick to share their kids' verbal "achievements" but rarely discuss openly the things their kids say that might be interpreted as "disturbing". In our house, we've had PLENTY of disturbing! We have lived to tell the tale...and know more spoken surprises and fascination phases will be around each developmental turn!

Case one: Our daughter Sarah, never spanked, but aware of the practice at around age 3-4 (and occasionally now at age 5) ASKS to be spanked. Her father and I do not comply (despite my mother's---Sarah's grandmother's---belief that spanking "works," I disagree for our family; and have to believe it would be pretty ineffectual "punishment" if she asks for it!) Whether it is the slight endorphin rush from the harsh contact she's seeking or a repeat of the reaction of dismay that I was unable to disguise at her first "Spank me!" request, I don't know. I DO know that when I have over-reacted to statements/requests/behaviors, the behavior or words that provoked that response is repeated ad nauseum by Sarah...not by Darren.

Twins, while twins, as you know are their own individuals and respond differently. I would not characterize the physical frustration J has exhibited with his brother as a by-product of their twindom, but as a byproduct of his age (particularly at 4), individual response to frustration, and the desire to affect outcome. As always, provide consequences for the physical response so he can learn and work toward more appropriate reactions (and it will take many, many repeated consequences if our family is any guide), but it IS very normal.

To the intentional infliction/desire to draw blood you're not alone, our kids at pre-k had this experience: Darren wiped out on a bike, and had a profusely bleeding knee (I heard all of this later, did not see it). When Darren got the special treatment, including consoling hugs and not one but two superhero bandaids to cover the wound, his friend Will and sister Sarah went all around the playground trying to use sticks to "cut and scratch" themselves to make a "bloody boo-boo."

I think your wisdom in describing that blood is accompanied by hurt is exactly the right approach, and your non-reactionary calm in talking about it is very important.

Statements like J's: "I know, and I like it sometimes," while they sound jarring, are not that uncommon. Those words could have come straight from our Sarah's mouth. We obviously as adults logically project that words like that indicate he enjoys pain somehow (and on some small level, there may be a slight "enjoyment"). What may be more accurate is the "liking" of the visual stimulation of something out of the norm...perhaps a physical demonstration of how the body works...etc. And again, DO tell his doc your concerns, and ask for his/her directives, advice and ultimately what I feel will be their reassurance (out of J's earshot, or get ready for a REAL barrage of disturbing speech!).

Hang in there...it sounds to me like you are a very attentive and committed Mama...