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Divided Does Not Mean Conquered!


November, 2007

By Cheryl Lage

QUESTION:
Hi Cheryl,
I wrote to you a few months ago when my twins were newborns and you gave some good advice about feeding them at the same time. I am pleased to say my boys are eight months old and doing wonderfully. I feed them at the same time and it has worked out great! They are keeping me busy---as do my 5 and 8 year old. My days are never boring and it has made me be much more organized and I love our set daily schedule. I seem to have so much on my plate that I don't feel as though I am spending as much quality one on one time with the twins. I know that it is not going to be anything like having one child but I am wondering how much time did you have to just sit and play or interact with your twins when they were this age and did you have any older siblings to tend to as well? I find that I have to keep the house up to par as my husband and I are pretty meticulous and like a clean environment for us and the children. I go to bed some nights feeling as though I didn't spend enough time with the babies, although I am in the same room or near them all day long. On the other hand I make time every day to just sit and hang out while they crawl around and when I do they really don't care they are too busy getting into everything. It just seems like the cuddling I had with my other two children isn't there. I used to just have time to hold my other ones when they were young but with twins it makes it much more difficult even though I am still nursing half the time. The boys want to be on the go more than anything. The doctor said they seem to be doing great in their development so I guess I don't need to be worried. I was wondering what your thoughts were or your experience has been in regards to this.

Take Care,
Twin Mom T

RESPONSE:
Hi T-
"Boring" is the very LAST word that I would use to characterize your days!

I have to start with a huge congratulations on getting a schedule in place that is working so well for your family! With two older children, eight month old twins, and all your efforts toward keeping a "meticulous" house (and I am sure other endeavors to be a "good wife/partner")...you have so very MUCH to be proud of...I'd like to you to make a point this week (and well beyond) that when a "I should be doing more/better" thought even threatens to surface in your brain that you remember the tremendous magnitude of all that you are accomplishing for your family. By the way, YOU are a member of that family! I doubt you would be pleased if your hubby or eldest kids felt "like they should be doing more." Laziness and baby neglect do not seem to be facets of your modus operandi---so STOP with the mama guilt! (I know, it's far easier said than done...my two are six-years-old, with no other siblings, and I still find myself feeling as though I treat them inequitably at times, or don't get enough of the oft-mandated-in-parenting-books "one on one" time. My husband better not read this response or I'll get the "physician heal thyself" talk from my man!)

You've touched base on a lot of things in your email, so I am going to use your words as leaping points for my response/reassurance!

"I seem to have so much on my plate that I don't feel as though I am spending as much quality one on one time with the twins."

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Surprise answer: without any doubt, you are NOT spending as much 'quality' one-on-one time with the twins as you would like! I doubt any of us are. I'd even hazard a guess that moms of sequentially born/non-multiples mamas suffer from the concern that they are not getting as much one-on-one time as they'd like with their kids. For us, it is just glaringly challenging as two (or more in the case of trips and up) equally needy babies are in essence pulling you in two directions. Try to think about it this way: you probably didn't spend as much 'quality' time with your husband after your first baby was born. Didn't spend quite as much with your first-born (or your husband) after the birth of your second. And now, what you were anticipating would be the "third" baby's portion is split betwixt two babies! It's OKAY!!!!! As the love gets added with each additional family member, frustrating as it may be, you're still only one you! In a dream world, we'd get 24 extra hours per day for each additional family member, but we don't. The good news is, and I don't mean this to sound insensitive or cavalier, your babies only know the environment* to which they've been born. (*and I am confident it is a highly loving one by virtue of concern in your email!) They've only known a home in which they have two elder sibs and a twin. THAT IS NOT A BAD THING!!! Don't "project" what we (as adults with life-experience and well-acquainted with talk-show family horror stories galore) "imagine" them to feel---short-shrift, always waiting, never attended to---they don't! Don't feel as though your mothering is inferior if you cannot go to bed placing a checkmark alongside "Spent equal and quality one-on-one time with each of my children and my husband." (My guess is that taking a smidgen of time for yourself doesn't even make the "to-do" list!)

"How much time did you have to just sit and play or interact with your twins when they were this age?"

I'm not tellin'! Because really, each family is so very different. I don't want you to use our time as a barometer of "good" or "bad"! (not to mention I'd be hard-pressed to even guesstimate with any accuracy...) I will say that for us, when my twins were 8 months (and that is SOOO little) the "sitting and playing time" was ALWAYS done with one me to the two of them. (Except in the instances of one waking from a nap earlier than the other...those truly were the only "one-on-one" times). There was also much time with them playing in exersaucers (with me in the same room as you've mentioned!) or in the playpen (our twosome LOVED their playpen!) We played a LOT of background music...I sang (badly) and talked to them A LOT. But there was much time that I was "doing other things"...not necessarily sitting and engaging them. If I'd had two older children (or any ability to keep a clean house!) I imagine that time would be further impacted still.

I truly feel for you! I've often thought how maternally challenging it must be to know first-hand the type/volume of attention you can direct toward a singly-born child and then to be unable (it's an absolute impossibility) to do the same for twins. For those of us for whom are twins are the first (and second), we truly know no different. Now I am NOT saying you NEVER should have one-on-one time with any of your children. Ultimately, you'll want some with all of your children; but I doubt it'll happen every day...or maybe not even every week! Your children (all four, + husband) DO know what all you are accomplishing...and I am guessing they understand more than we give them credit for. Actually, case in point: right around when Darren and Sarah were the age yours are now, my mom was visiting. As was our regular routine, I had their high chairs side-by-side and was feeding them their delicious mush. One bite for Darren; one bit for Sarah. My mom was agog. While I had never given it a second thought, she was amazed that they'd "wait and be patient" while the other got his/her bite! I truly think twins (and other kids) "get it." Mama does the best she can, and all needs WILL be tended to!

If it helps you when both might be vocalizing a need to have your attention fully and immediately, you can try what I used to do (and still do on occasion to the kids' amusement and the needed reminder)---sing a little song of explanation!

"Mommy has two hands, you have four... I'll be with you as soon as I can...la la la!"Or my personal fave, "Mommy has to use the potty too...as soon as I can, I'll get back to you!"

"I find that I have to keep the house up to par as my husband and I are pretty meticulous and like a clean environment for us and the children."

This is a wonderful example to set for your children! (I should do a bit more of it...)

"I go to bed some nights feeling as though I didn't spend enough time with the babies, although I am in the same room or near them all day long."

Stop the madness! You are doing a great job!

"On the other hand I make time every day to just sit and hang out while they crawl around and when I do they really don't care they are too busy getting into everything."

This is wonderful...and something I did (and enjoyed) as well, whether they responded actively or not. At 8 months developmentally, they are still entirely self-revolving (and I so already looking for the special bond/friendship---oh, the projected expectations!). Still, do what you are doing when you can. It will become more "play"...it takes time. But don't feel badly for those times when you aren't on all fours.

"It just seems like the cuddling I had with my other two children isn't there. I used to just have time to hold my other ones when they were young but with twins it makes it much more difficult even though I am still nursing half the time. The boys want to be on the go more than anything."

Girl, you'd need eight arms (ten, if you want to bring your hubby into it!) and many more hours in the day to get all that desired cuddling in! The nursing is more than mere "feeding" ---I'm thinking it DOES equal cuddling/connection/consoling to your twins ...and you are accomplishing it in tandem. You are doing a remarkable job. Cut yourself some slack!

"The doctor said they seem to be doing great in their development so I guess I don't need to be worried."
Trust the doctor! Don't worry. Please attempt to focus on all the remarkable things that you ARE doing each and every day for your family---pay no mind to the things that you WISH you could do, but by virtue of the fact that you are one woman and the hours in the day are limited, you truly cannot. The "must-happens" will happen. If you do ever feel you genuinely need help, never hesitate to ask extended family, friends, any organizations with whom you're involved. Chances are they'd LOVE to support you---and would love to be asked.

THANK YOU for asking a question that I know many, many of us feel---whether the twins are our only children or our 13th and 14th! Wishing you all the very best, and a keen awareness of your own maternal gifts and skills---I have a feeling everyone in your family feels you are doing a phenomenal job!

All the best, and keep in touch-
Cheryl
www.Twinsights.com

Feel free to contact me with your experiences in twin potty-training, or with any twin parenting dilemnas you may have at http://www.twinsights.com. I hope to hear from you!

© Cheryl Lage, 2004-present
Author of "Twinspiration: Real-Life Advice From Pregnancy Through the First Year" from Taylor Trade Publishing (2006), Cheryl is a fully-mobile, full-time mom to four-year-old fraternal twins, Darren and Sarah. Cheryl's unabashed honesty, vigilantly supportive style, and willingness to share "what works" have made her a requested speaker on a broad range of topics, twin-related, and otherwise. Check out her website @ twinsights.com.

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