Parent to Parent By Jodie Lynn
Moments for Mom By Elisabeth Corcoran
Ask A Twin Mommy By Cheryl Lage
Mothering By Heart By Cheri Fuller
Jelly Mom By Lisa Barker
Family Check-up By Sheila Wray Gregoire
Simplifying Motherhood By Trish Berg
Making the Most of Marriage By Paula Friedrichsen
A Tender Topic, And Telling Twins
August, 2005
By Cheryl Lage
QUESTION:
I need to ask your opinion on something. My twin girls (they're 3) have been at my Dad's since Sunday night, and while they have been gone...I lost a baby. I was very early, so I am physically ok. Now, they have already been excited about the "baby in mommy's belly".
So my question to you is, do you have any suggestions on how to break the news to them? They've had several of their fish die and they know we just "flush them and get new ones". Of course I don't want to treat this quite that lightly, but could use it somehow....let me know if you have any suggestions.
ANSWER:
I am so sorry for your loss.
Words seem fairly inadequate, and I can only imagine how you are feeling. Please know you and your beautiful family will be in my thoughts and prayers these coming, challenging days.
To your question, that is a toughy. Since your girls are three-years-old, and certainly capable of significant differentiation and comprehension, you are right to not want to treat this as "lightly" as the death of a pet fish.
However, in my opinion, an in-depth introduction to the concept of miscarriage and/or human passing seems fairly inappropriate...and worse, potentially frightening.
Likewise, I'd avoid the "easy out" route of making God an unwitting scapegoat as done in eras past when well-meaning, but unintentionally God-bashing folks explained away miscarriages (and unexpected passings) with a cavalier "God just needed another angel" type of line.
To a three year old (and even to me today), that is a scary, snatching thought. Worse, it potentially introduces the idea of "Why didn't God want me?" Or maybe worse in a three year old's mind, "What if He suddenly does?" What if God needs Mommy? Daddy? My sister? Just opens a potentially alienating "God is capricious" can of worms. You can certainly bring faith carefully into the conversation, and I probably would,knowing my kids...but NOT in the old-school/get-me-out-of-a-tough-and-difficult-situation-to-explain kind of way.
Clearly, I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist (and I am sure Tom Cruise would be pleased to know that), but in your shoes, here is what I would do...take it, leave it, use it as a leaping point: (...and by all means, please be sure to discuss with your husband an approach with which you both feel comfortable)
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Sometime soon after the girls come home from your dad's, have them sit down with you and your husband at a calm time, in a quiet environment...maybe after breakfast. I wouldn't do it right before bed, and I wouldn't wait too long after their return, as the girls may start talking about the "baby", making things even tougher for you emotionally. Start the conversation off with how much you both love them, and how you missed them while they were gone. Then with some intentional brevity, I would say something along the lines of, "You know,Mommy and Daddy were very excited, and we know you all were too, because we thought another baby was going to be joining our family. Sadly, we know now that a baby will not be coming as soon as we thought. That doesn't mean we won't ever have another baby, we might. But for now, we don't know when that will happen."
At that point, I would ask them if they want to talk about it, or if they have any questions. Of course, you may want to (and be completely able to) end the "explanation" there. They are three, and that may well be all the talk they need. If they do have questions, do your best to answer them as honestly as you can. You know your girls better than anyone.
Before you initiate "the conversation", do give a bit of thought to what you might think they would/will ask, so you can give a bit of forethought to how you will respond. They may accept the "news" far more calmly than you anticipate. At three, they are used to being told things fairly matter-of-factly, and in simplified terms. In all likelihood, they won't be as inquisitive about the details/specifics as we adults tend to predict and of course subsequently project onto them. Do err on the side of preparation anyway. Be as ready as you can be to answer any questions they may have.
When you have ended your family "meeting", I'd conclude with a reminder of how happy you are to have them as your daughters, and let them know if they decide they want to talk more about it, they can ask you any question, any time they want. In my view, it is absolutely okay for them to see you "sad". Don't feel as though you have to be putting up the constant facade of mommy-joy 24/7 when you do have reason to grieve. Equally important, do let them know you are okay. Let them see by the resuming of regular routines, that you all are getting back to life as usual.
How grateful I am to hear that you are feeling okay physically, and I hope that your revelation to the girls goes smoothly.
Your girls are blessed to have such a loving and thoughtful Mommy. Again, you are (and will continue to be) in my thoughts and prayers. Let me know
how things go, and PLEASE feel free to e-mail me anytime.
Cheryl
www.Twinsights.com
Feel free to contact me with your experiences in twin potty-training, or with any twin parenting dilemnas you may have at http://www.twinsights.com. I hope to hear from you!
© Cheryl Lage, 2004-
Author of "Twinspiration: Real-Life Advice From Pregnancy Through the First Year" from Taylor Trade Publishing (2006), Cheryl is a fully-mobile, full-time mom to four-year-old fraternal twins, Darren and Sarah. Cheryl's unabashed honesty, vigilantly supportive style, and willingness to share "what works" have made her a requested speaker on a broad range of topics, twin-related, and otherwise. Check out her website @ twinsights.com.
Read Cheryl's Ask A Twin Mommy column at C'Moms